if walking

if walking
not tired but held in here
fan blows puffs of cooled air
light falls on paper, pictures of my kids;
and if I turn out the light...
but can't.

-
if walking, full moon like daylight out there
bright muted sun -
I want to make it dark in here
and look out the window
put a shirt on go out in the soft day-night
but held in here
fear
of walking in that pale light
moonshadow would show me what's not there
if walking.

-
if I turned out the light
I'd be lost and
the moonlight would tempt me
to walk scream inward in waiting
for reaction - I would stand and look at the moon
in wait for reaction inside screaming manic
panic
if walking.

-
I stand
ready
then startled by the streetlight extinguished.
no voice calls me
just cooled air my children's smiling photos
determined to turn out all the lights
stand at the window
day-night and manic fear
and imagine myself
walking.