regardless

we get by if we don’t believe
because we get there
regardless.
we die a thousand times
and don't cry out
but are rescued
nonetheless.
we try to murder our souls
but find them
staring back at us in the mirror.
we feel, we weep, we strike back,
and we don't believe -
we fight, we abuse, and wail in terror;
we lust, we hurt, and rail at the moon
for not caring.
we commit psychic suicide
and drift away
from self and natural-born desire,
never once realizing
that love lives next to us.
we fornicate or
make love
and it all, at once, turns out to be the same.
we try, we want, we cry;
sharing our pain
never occurs to us, and we sit
in silence, indulging
the dark thing that lives
outside love.
love lives next to us
but we don't believe
and go on
regardless.

4 May 2002

if walking

if walking
not tired but held in here
fan blows puffs of cooled air
light falls on paper, pictures of my kids;
and if I turn out the light...
but can't.

-
if walking, full moon like daylight out there
bright muted sun -
I want to make it dark in here
and look out the window
put a shirt on go out in the soft day-night
but held in here
fear
of walking in that pale light
moonshadow would show me what's not there
if walking.

-
if I turned out the light
I'd be lost and
the moonlight would tempt me
to walk scream inward in waiting
for reaction - I would stand and look at the moon
in wait for reaction inside screaming manic
panic
if walking.

-
I stand
ready
then startled by the streetlight extinguished.
no voice calls me
just cooled air my children's smiling photos
determined to turn out all the lights
stand at the window
day-night and manic fear
and imagine myself
walking.

Springtime

we've just gotten here and looking around
some bland faces
some cheer
raucous
speakers and old songs for sound.
you wonder, just low beside me,
under your breath, "how long has this been here?"
"for friggin ever," i answer, "didn't you know?"
walking here and there then stopping
to chat with you
and You - such a diplomat!
precious forbearance
my girl and i
perfect attendance as ghosts
float by.
easy in
easy out
a small smile and a lump in my throat,
sunshine and flowers
April showers -
all out of time
and time
to get back to those bells
all around us
chime, then,
chime.

22 April 2003

Theresa, Jeff, Jenny

Theresa

-

for you
shining so bright in my mind
words... just won't come
they aren't there...
as if someone as beautiful as you
blocks me.
I hug you and stroke your hair
mumbling fatherly cliches, and think -
someday I'll tell you a thousand things,
life things, secret things, adult things,
hoping somehow to get to you before anyone else,
hoping perhaps to shelter you from reality
until you're ready for it.
someday I'll write your name
in letters so big they'll fill the sky.
just for you
shining so bright - soft pure light
in the eye of my mind.
-
21 January 1989

--
Jeff
you, little boy
your face lifted high
to see the video screen
battling bad guys
and monsters.
you
little boy
so quiet with your books
your art
and your smile when you see me;
you
perfect boy
you are my joy
and my heart.

-
18 December 1988

--
Jenny

so
my darling
darling girl;
do you wake up wondering
when you hear my footfall
outside the door?
I listen for your dreaming,
something I guess only I can do.
so dream
my darling
my little girl,
I love you.
-
9 December 1988

--

My amazing children - my love for you has done nothing but grow in all the years since I wrote these to you. You are my heart and my life.

Daddy

child of my youth

if there was ever a reason to write
make it now
in the part of the morning long before dawn
blue lights dancing in the corners.
memories
carnalities
the smell of you still there -
still here in the fold of my shirt
when I move.
and all of that so long ago;
-

memory - such persistance -
as if I'd always known you and know you still
captured in a moment, naked,
your arms outstretched;
while in eternity I look at you,
knowing I could never let you go.
-

there are reasons
night persisting - now seeks then.
I catch the scent of you
coming through the years
still pure, still full of you
and my desire undiminished.
I remember you
child of my youth.